Untuned and unafraid
Sometimes I come across videos of men playing the sweetest melodies on bansuri
Folk music from punjab, sindh, balochistan, rajasthani and Pahadi tunes
The first thing my brain does is notice how "off" the tuning sounds but how on point their rhythm and melody is
And how easily identifiable and relatable the melodies are
Sometimes I wish I didnt do that
The constant fear of being off out of tune
Where folk feels liberating
Yesterday I woke up to a familiar mundane sight
Our bedroom windows overlook powerlines two feet away
A dove decided to walk across the electricity line and then slowly take flight
My son had never seen anything like that up close before
Ran up to the window, smiling laughing and babbling exclaiming what he saw
I realized how amazing it is to witness the joy of your toddler witnessing a dove in flight
Flight Part two
Imagine a world where we didn’t have to fly
Imagining a childhood where I would play in the garden and dream of getting on planes and flying: fascinated by airplanes, airports and the possibilities beyond the brick walled garden, of escaping on endless adventures
Now, I crave to find time
Not chasing but to be still, with my family, my friends, in the same city
What joy when everything around you is your universe and its not so expansive
It’s not so far
You dont have to cross time zones, terminals, checkpoints, scans, conveyer belts, borders and freeways to sit next to you and share a warm hug
Lahore, I went too far
Restrooms a Sewage Sanctuary
Where we do everything. The three sheens and more…
We go to hide. To find stillness.
To refresh
To wash off under a hot or a cold shower
All of what we couldn't process from the day
Dust words sweat work fatigue
Maybe I make it hotter , it'll be more soothing
Or cold to make it more refreshing or just the perfect temperature without wasting too much water.
What is too much? Whats less?
The toilet seat
Where thoughts wander
Books are read
It started w cousins archie comics and evolved to ig swipes on reels .somewhere in between there was inspirational fiction
We haven't really evolved much in the past thirty years
These pipes that take it all away
From you and from me
Sewage : Raw human waste
Hidden underground away from light, invisible
But the space that hosts in our urban homes the pipes that take our waste away into an abstract objective sludge we call sewage
Our collective human waste
In unison treated to be released into our waterways
But, in this restroom space
We smoke cigarettes and make secret phone calls
We share silence and loud music
Where we acknowledge our insecurities
Make up and conceal: stare at reflections of us
Can we still step outside in the world again?
My feet can still feel the moistness of the rug and the shower from this morning
They are not so numb yet
I can still walk away
Naya daur
Itne rehne sehne ke baad
Jeewan ki woh khaas umrein guzarne ke baad
Woh aisi umrein jin mein larkiyan aksar
Apne haath peele saje dekhti hein
Woh khushi ke aansoon hansti hein
Woh mujhe matam lagta tha
Woh aisi umrein meine lakeeron ke faraiz aur nuqton ke assool samjhne mein lagayay
Mein ne apne khwab banaye
Woh khushi kya jo toot-te khwabon per apni bunyadein uthaye
Mein apni maa se larhti thi
Aur woh yeh keh ker mujhe samjhati thi
Auret pehle maa hai yehi uss ka sab se bara khwab hai
Magar ab zindagi ka aik naya daur hei
Woh larkiyan ab sab maa'ein hain
Unn ke khwab unn ke nanne munne bachon ki terhan roop saje baharon ki terhan ummedein ban ker roshan hein
Aur mein yeh khari sochti hun keh mein apne khwab pehchaan na payi
Unn ko sawaarte rang o roop laatay na jaanay kitna bhaagti hun
Akeli thokrein khati hun
Yeh khwab hi meri zanjeerein hein
Aaj kone mein khari mein apne aap per hansti hun
Apne aanson khud ponchti hun
Yeh mera maatam hai
Keh samaajh mein nujh jaisi larkiyon ke liye mehaz yeh kona hi tou rekha hai
Aaj wohi larkiyan jinhein mein saada soch samajhti thi
Inn ki goonjti gungunaati loriyon jaisi hansi mujhe yaad dilati hai
Itni saada bhi na thi jab woh mujh per hansti thi
Aakhir muashre mein wohi sacchi thi
Climbing Partners
Yesterday I revisited my old work place, my favorite gym in Houston, a space where I first started making friends in this city.
Carefully cautious moves on a wall and learning flexibility and finding strength
Yesterday a girl working there asked me when I worked there and I said too long ago, you must've been in middle school back then
she corrected me by saying she was in elementary school back then, third grade
Wow. A sense of beauty this thing called time. My fingers forgetting how to crimp, how to hold, my legs trying to coordinate postpartum, my hips feel like concrete, my bones radiating in pain
The grounding energy of my climbing partner, my husband
We stopped climbing walls and boulders after marriage
How much time has passed so seamlessly
Favorite Color
All colors are my favorite
That is so boring ami
How can you not have a favorite ?
Because aren't they all so nice? Why should you chose only one?
What will I tell people when they ask me my favorite color? That I don't have one?
You just tell them which one you like in the moment
So current favorite color: the shades of blue, green and spring
Fear and anxiety
What do I do to relax? My mind, come on you know this
You know the deep breathing
Focus and meditate
Distract yourself
Delve into a hobby
Escape the brain, do something physical
Be around good people
Let go of the negative bullshit, negative words
People are just being selfish or trying to be themselves and its an uncomfortable world
You know we take it all for granted
Focus on yourself. What makes you happy?
Remind yourself. What was it again?
When people made you happy
Last week actually.
It's been one whole week. Thats not too long ago. Good. Stay there.
What I do reflects for this unborn baby inside Im responsible for
Ok dont f*** up , why would you? You got this. Pray
Breathing laying down slowing down
Swollen feet because you probably didn't drink enough water.
Negligence. Mothers can't afford that.
A few more weeks
A few more days
One step one paddle one uphill at a time
Stop repeating yourself
Why? isn't repetition necessary?
No
Nothing is necessary. Except these days maybe Lysol
Self suicide doesnt make it any less of an ethical/sinful/moral crime
A failed state reflected here.
Breath slowly sleep it off
Tomorrow comes again. There was a cool breeze this morning for thirty minutes, wasn't that worth waking up to?